Green Dreams

Waking driftings, nothing holding me down. Just a blur, just a passing frown. Green dreams of my children’s eyes. An imagine that makes me want to drop to my knees. Some thoughts are so big you cant think them. Some dreams are so crisp overcast glow, then burn your eyes. Then shine like ravens in battlefield skies. Dead ends are so mystifying to us, aren’t they? We always love to see that cliff or wall. But sometimes all I want to see is what lies behind it. What is it in me that drives such flagellation of other lives when all I have is now. Maybe it is in such that I allow myself to see what I hid from myself in my heart.

Pan en, then… Is that enough? Do we need more? Pan en pain, pan en tears, pan en silver light’s caresses. Theos en pan.

How can I turn wrong in such purity? Then why still fear my maturity? I guess that’s the lesson in these green dreams. Fear is not in my heart. The skies are overcast but wrap around us like angels wings. How can any of this be real when it feels so easy, so right. Just like in dreams when nothing seems to connect, and no one seems to notice, least of all the dreamer. What is the lesson if not that its very disconnected flow is a sacred Chao. What level do we perceive from? The Chao is a unique snowflake in Chaos blizzards dance. And oh how it dances and flows to its own beautiful music. Some can see past Chao and its twins, with grids of majesty and tearful power. Sometimes I can see the fragments spinning in my life and just accept them as they are. They still glint from the light source, for all fragments shine. Lost nows. It is these that we hold on to so tightly that we cut ourselves. Nows that can never be lost but in our hearts. When we despair of the break from now, and the pattern it follows. Will its edges be jagged or smooth? Will they be sharp or course? Gentle or hard?

But what, then, is this but window dressing? Would we scoff at The Three Graces if placed in the window of a Burger King? Would Monet’s fire be any less if placed in a rough hewn frame? Why do we dance so in the frames of our lives… All still shines from the soft sweet light at its center…

All I wonder about now… am I falling into it, or away from it? Do fragments spin away? Or past?

Time will tell… Time will tell.

Twisted and Melting

I should be working, but there really isn't much to do. I guess that means I'm waiting, thats something I was never very good at. I am waiting on many tiers today, but some have fallen. Its an odd thing looking back on the last few months and seeing all the shifting, dancing lights. They say change is the only thing that stays the same. What nonsense.

But somehow still I feel my moving, its like my heart is a dancing amorphous mass. I've learned so much about myself.

I've been,.. hesitant. There is past that creeps in on my mind and speaks caution. But there is present that argues valor. Twisted like fine soft serve ice cream. And while it melts, fighting each other for winters kiss, I notice myself wondering off. I'll not get involved. I don't want to be. Better to just let it melt, and be true.

I'm watching way to closely. I know. But I feel like a man lost in a cold dark cell, with just a single ray creeping in the bars to comfort me. How can I help but watch so closely? Under such radiance, the rest of the world seems to fade to a dull gray. I yield and yield to it. What ever it takes.

I'm trying not to get involved in these little plays.

I'm getting better at it.

Doorways

I stand at a doorway, should I enter? Truth awaits on the other side, but some truths are best left in mist and shadow. Is it better to know? Knowing brings so much, really seeing, really feeling, its so different. Have you heard about a song before? Its not the same as sitting down, putting on the headphones and really listening. Being swept away by its melodies. Are the words at all meaningful next to the power of the True form?

But maybe I don't want to hear this song. I prefer the one I have now.. its peaceful and lovely and absolutely breathtaking. I wont change the channel, just yet.. just yet.

Taken

I don’t know how to feel. Your perfect, your taken. Should I be sad that I most likely never see you again? Should I be happy that your out there? That there are a million just like you. Goodness you had me entranced tonight.

Its okay, after the passing of the past, after the dispelling of Nuria’s enchantment, thank you for showing me magic is real. Curse you for showing me such magic and then walking away. I’m sorry, that’s not fair of me. Its just my loneliness speaking, its just your eyes dancing in my minds eye.

Today I turn 23. Can you imagine? Why do I still feel like a child? Today I swear I stand unashamed. Today I am calling out my demons. Come stand and show your cards. I am a man grown, full of love and a need to be close to a woman. I want to hold you in my arms, and kiss you gently, and send you to the edge of madness, send you to the edge of sanity, go with you to the extreme of pleasure. Today I am unashamed. I stand up for my right to love and be loved. The days of fear and loathing are past.

But.. your taken.. such a shame. I can say is, that man is a lucky man. Does he even know? Its amazing how I can’t get away with anything anymore. I complain that I feel isolated, and the next night there is 12 people over. I say goodbye to Nuria, and who is this angel at my door?

I’m not mad, I think I’m happy. I’m very happy. Its just a sign, but it’s a powerful one. I can’t help these feelings, I always have them, but today I am unashamed. I am 23, and a man, and full of desire. I need to hold, I need to love, I need.

Such Chill

Its weird that you can still hurt me from your frozen thrown where you rule your kingdom of ice. Why would I want apart of that world? I know, ice can be beautiful in its sweet sorrow. We want to comfort it and try and warm it up, but it knows it will just melt. Better to be away, back in your ice caves. But I still feel sad. But you know the honest thing? I feel sad for you, not for the loss of you.

You finally got what you feared, expected and invented along the way. Weird huh? In the end you were dragging it out of me. So what else is there to say? I just showed you the truth and you made it about insults and pain. I showed you a crossroads and you picked this path without a second thought.

Nuria, I said a prayer to your gods for you. I asked them to take good care of you, and bring you the happiness you couldn't take from me or so many others. What else can I do with someone so lost in their own madness? I tried everything else. But I'm done selling myself short, your not worth the bother. I cant change you against your will. I cant love anyone who wont let me. I cant love someone who doesn't love themselves. I cant even respect you because you don't respect your self. You limit yourself with your assumptions.

Nuria, beloved, goodbye.

I know I wasn't the best I could have been, but I tried my hardest, start to finish. Can you say that?

The Golden Leaves of Silver.

They press in everywhere, heavy with ghosts and shadows under the bright, bright sun.  I don't want to be here.  Please may I leave?  I could take it all up to this, but these golden leaves of silver bring a real pain, a real weight to my heart.  Is it so hard for you sometimes I wonder?  I don't know who's fate is worse, yours or mine.  To feel to strongly or to not feel nothing.  Which hell would I choose?  Is it better to protect all and lose, to win every battle and lose the war?  No, I guess its not...

But I can't help feeling jealous.  A fools desire.  But as they say, the grass is always greener...

Did you see the moon tonight?  I did, it was so beautiful, a perfect crescent moon.  The kind of moon that the Muslims must have been so enchanted with.  I could imagine it over a cold and quite desert.  A thousand pricks of light, bleeding light, falling down to a windswept earth.  Silver dust, everything silver in her pale radiance.  A quiet place without the heavy golden leaves.  Would you like to be there with me?  Its not a hard thing to do, just look up and see it as I do.  Feel the sand beneath your toes, hear the mumbling Jinn on the winds, the glowing sky.  Can you smell the dust?  Can you feel the warm gusts air, the blazing heat of day just past?  Can you count the craters on the her perfectly imperfect face above?  Close your eyes and really see.  I'm standing in a valley of sandstone, the horizon a striped reminder of a sunset, frozen in cold stone.

I think you can.  I think I don't feel so alone anymore, because I know your close.  As close as we'll ever be... ouch.  It was going so well until I found that thought.  Or did it find me?  Why do I insist on doing this to myself?

My Nuria

Why didn't see it sooner?  I saw, and I saw, much and more.  But it wasn't all of it.  I called you, my luminous one, I made you real.  Nothing fills me with more hope, nothing fills me with more terror.  How can this be?  The things that go unnoticed in my life, what are they up to?  They listen, its clear to me they listen.  They are the rats in the walls of the castle, the little bird on a branch in the woods.  They are also the maker and the destroyer, gods and men.  How careful I must be...

          I forgive you, my bright one, for it was not your fault.  It was my own expression returned, and I welcome it home again.  What else can I do with it?  My children are always welcome at my table.  Did I reach out in pain?  What did I release to myself?  The balance was lost, so long did I sit on one side.  I choose suffering, why?  Time and time again, why?

          Is it so easy to play that part?  Yes, so easy.  Its always around, just tap into it.  Is it so easy to connect with it?  We all carry it along.  Is it interesting?  Oh yes, ever so much so.  I was never bored, not once.  Maybe you don't believe that, but its true.  Nuria, you have been the most stimulating thing to ever happen to me.  Is it a good thing?  In the end, I can see the good in you.  Thank you for every minute.  Dreams come true.  What am I dreaming?  Is it worth it?  Yes, a thousand times yes.  Living is the justification for life, and its true for all children, the good and the bad alike.  We treat them all as treasures.  They are all treasures.

          There was always some balance, there are the good times with the bad.  There is more, there is room.  Is that what feels so good about suffering?  The room for love?  True and simple, practiced, not professed?  All things in balance, maybe I fell off.  So here is the clean page before me, what do I write?  What do I say to the mouse, sitting in my house?  Its time to make this right, to tell your story, and to tell of hope.  We always have hope, I will remind you of that.  They will be listening.

          Come, sit by the fire and be at peace.  There is soft music and slow dancing.  A great bird roasting in the kitchen.  The snow falls out the window, and the sun fades.  But here its comfortable, warm and safe.  You can close your eyes and hear the fire crackling, you can smell the cold, and the wood, and the food.  Welcome home my child.