Green Dreams

Waking driftings, nothing holding me down. Just a blur, just a passing frown. Green dreams of my children’s eyes. An imagine that makes me want to drop to my knees. Some thoughts are so big you cant think them. Some dreams are so crisp overcast glow, then burn your eyes. Then shine like ravens in battlefield skies. Dead ends are so mystifying to us, aren’t they? We always love to see that cliff or wall. But sometimes all I want to see is what lies behind it. What is it in me that drives such flagellation of other lives when all I have is now. Maybe it is in such that I allow myself to see what I hid from myself in my heart.

Pan en, then… Is that enough? Do we need more? Pan en pain, pan en tears, pan en silver light’s caresses. Theos en pan.

How can I turn wrong in such purity? Then why still fear my maturity? I guess that’s the lesson in these green dreams. Fear is not in my heart. The skies are overcast but wrap around us like angels wings. How can any of this be real when it feels so easy, so right. Just like in dreams when nothing seems to connect, and no one seems to notice, least of all the dreamer. What is the lesson if not that its very disconnected flow is a sacred Chao. What level do we perceive from? The Chao is a unique snowflake in Chaos blizzards dance. And oh how it dances and flows to its own beautiful music. Some can see past Chao and its twins, with grids of majesty and tearful power. Sometimes I can see the fragments spinning in my life and just accept them as they are. They still glint from the light source, for all fragments shine. Lost nows. It is these that we hold on to so tightly that we cut ourselves. Nows that can never be lost but in our hearts. When we despair of the break from now, and the pattern it follows. Will its edges be jagged or smooth? Will they be sharp or course? Gentle or hard?

But what, then, is this but window dressing? Would we scoff at The Three Graces if placed in the window of a Burger King? Would Monet’s fire be any less if placed in a rough hewn frame? Why do we dance so in the frames of our lives… All still shines from the soft sweet light at its center…

All I wonder about now… am I falling into it, or away from it? Do fragments spin away? Or past?

Time will tell… Time will tell.

Such Chill

Its weird that you can still hurt me from your frozen thrown where you rule your kingdom of ice. Why would I want apart of that world? I know, ice can be beautiful in its sweet sorrow. We want to comfort it and try and warm it up, but it knows it will just melt. Better to be away, back in your ice caves. But I still feel sad. But you know the honest thing? I feel sad for you, not for the loss of you.

You finally got what you feared, expected and invented along the way. Weird huh? In the end you were dragging it out of me. So what else is there to say? I just showed you the truth and you made it about insults and pain. I showed you a crossroads and you picked this path without a second thought.

Nuria, I said a prayer to your gods for you. I asked them to take good care of you, and bring you the happiness you couldn't take from me or so many others. What else can I do with someone so lost in their own madness? I tried everything else. But I'm done selling myself short, your not worth the bother. I cant change you against your will. I cant love anyone who wont let me. I cant love someone who doesn't love themselves. I cant even respect you because you don't respect your self. You limit yourself with your assumptions.

Nuria, beloved, goodbye.

I know I wasn't the best I could have been, but I tried my hardest, start to finish. Can you say that?

Driver, Oh Driver

I would like to get off this ride. Maybe I never want it to end. Where did I go? How do I just do things and just watch? Sometimes I feel like I'm just watching, like someone else is the real pilot. I'm just hanging on the back of the plane, watching the air move past. Feeling as it rushes over me, touching with spectral tendrils. I know this happens, it doesn't bother me, I don't even know who's talking right now. Is it the One? Or the Me? I guess it's how you define 'me'. I've lost my dictionary, I just knows what feels right. And when it doesn't. I hid so far away, all night. Who did I send out on point then? Someone has to drive this crazy train.

Truth is a bar of a Starsoul. When it is gift wrapped in a soft cloth and given as a offering, it will always be pure. We simply react to its blinding light through our little red glasses. We all wear dozens of them at a time, each a slightly different color. They dance in our eyes and we do not see them. Sometimes the brilliance is blinding, so we let our glass grow cloudy. Sometimes the aurora will dance in colors we cant see, even through the clearest glass. But rarely do we see all the spectrum of the radiance at once. Its always wise to never trust your lenses, and I have. But it will cost. Today it will, but this is just the steps along the way.

Back again, for the last time.

Its all so familiar, fragments everywhere.  The day I got my first copy of WarCraft III, and I stayed up all night playing it here.  Then when I went to bed my brother sat down and played while I slept.  That was back before he changed, before the world changed him.  But not really, even then he was detached.  It had already started.  Funny, being in this place reminds me of the tales of how differently we see it here.

            Its been a decade.  How old was I?  13.  Christ.  Was I really?  How young I was then.  How… different.  I’ve changed much and more, but this place has remained the same.  Always the same.  Its so comforting to be here, I’ve lived here longer then anywhere else.  And its going away.  How sad, yet how joyful.  Its truly our past, and we should not fight its passing.

            That girl, who I tried to preach to from battle.net.  How did I work up the balls?  The things religion do to people.  What have you done to me?  And then she beats me at my own game, father an apologist, better equipped to shoot me down.  What a night that was.  I never really did talk to her again, not really.  Back again, for the last time.  That’s far in the past.  I never want to be so sure again, I never want to be so separate.  Will you forgive me?

            And even drowning in the past, I push back the veil a little bit each day.  Never have I seen the desert from the sky.  Its so dark out here, every star a blazing torch.  But its so different too, the skies have grown the same.  The city moved in.  Weird how it can affect the feeling of this place so.  What to do tomorrow I wonder?

            The old days on EverQuest, way back in the day.  WhiteWind and Jonze, Grindle and Fattious Ribsticker, and my friend who’s surname I stole and didn’t even remember his first.  Kasseopea, the bard.  Dozer, the paladin.  Smallwind and Roaringwind, Haeo and Haeoeo.  The day I flipped on the guild and gquit.  It didn’t last long.  That’s when I started Smallwind.  That was here too.  I couldn’t spell for shit back then.  How did they ever put up with me?

            What a weird trip its been here.  Life is a little bit crazy when it hits you all again.  I will miss this place, the last shreds of my childhood going away.