7:09AM

After a scant five hours of mediocre sleep, I still find myself awake at 7:09AM. It’s significant because the alarms go off at 7:10AM. Of course if the irony is if they weren’t set, I wouldn’t ever wake up in time. It’s strange to have a something that works best when you don’t need to use it. I think we all would rather just wake up, then be woken by shrill and annoying sounds. I know I hate my alarm, so much so that I rarely hear it anymore. It really is amazing that we can do that. Of course there is all that nonsense about Circadian rhythms, but I don’t buy it.
There is nothing about my life that has much rhythm. Every forthcoming day is an unknown to me. I work when I’m needed. I play when I’m lighthearted. I relax when I’m calm. I think when I’m reflective. I sing when I’m inspired. I laugh when I’m elated. I learn when I’m intrigued, and when I’m not, and when I’m every feeling in between. At the end of the day, I often lay awake in bed, not wanting to let any of it go. And when sleep finally takes me, I dream of the wildly imposable, and the stunningly ordinary, and often, a surreal mix of both. And yet, on days like today I just wish it was tomorrow.
Do I wake when I do because I deiced that is what was needed? Was my body listening in? Watching as I programmed the alarm clock? Could it be so simple? I hope not, because I think that would be quite unfair. I wish I could so simply deice to do other things when it’s needed. Like set my mind at ease because I will it. That only ever seems to work for about three quarters of a second. Some thoughts just seem to persist like a virus, caring only for their own existence. Uncaring as to what they devour along the way.
I still don’t think I’m an optimist, and this is why. Sometimes scary or sad thoughts find me, and I have to work very hard to be rid of them. I just understand the value of being positive, but it doesn’t come naturally sometimes. For a true optimist, I think it would.