Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Willing is like wanting, only more like haunting.
Wanting is something that we all know very well.
But it always leave me thinking that it much like calling hell.
Its good for some fun and eat up time.
I just wish I knew why, I wish the wanting was mine.
It controls me, it holds me, do I have any say?
I'd want something better, something that'd stay.
When will I ever learn, some things stay true.
True to nature, you stay true to you.
I can change that no matter the willing.
I just wish this heart you'd stop killing.
I guess I need to learn to let go.
I forgive you. I do. I love you, now go. Please. Stay or forever go.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Love always, never stop looking..
And the flowers sing, and love rules all.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
It was a great time, but what I glows strongest of all is a caring touch. Someone cared. I dont even know who it was. White with red triangles and blue dots. Green lines and roseytan legs. I wonder who that was? I can tell you who I wanted it to be. Do dreams come true? It may never come to me, because i wasnt even there myself. I wonder who I was... I said so much, just talk talk talk, sometimes I wonder at how much I changed.
Im not even to happy about it. But im just happy today. Fragments of joy and a big green monster.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
But I think its time, these goodbyes may lead to the golden hello. The world is so big, so very big. The sea streaches to a lost horizion and deeper then the mind can probe. The sea is large indeed. But you need bait to fish a good line. Bait.
A strange way to look at my life, but a not incorrect one.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
When our thoughts are inward bound, when we are at play, when were at rest. They are quick minded, slipping around our slow perseption like a stalking cat. Quick and quiet they find us, just for a moment they touch us.
In the daylight they spread their wings and blanket miles with their soft, ghostly caress. They are flashy and bright, proud and noble. But also aloof. They cant be your friend, the light ones. The nightbirds are like sisters. The daybirds like kings. Which path is the better?
I guess we'll just have to wait and see. But I can say I have little use for kings.
Its a week of change. Its a week of celebration. Its a week of death, and of life, a week of starting and ending. Above in the clearest sky in an age, the lights of heaven gaze down.
What do they think of what they see? We are so conflicted down on our little patches of green night. So conflicted, and so sublime. So much gace, so many tears. How quickly our time passes, but how brightly our candles burn.
Which moves faster through a crowd of milling souls? A laugh and a smile of sweet joy? A yawn and a shrug form the tired and the careless? Sickness at a poor soul loseing his lunch? Or the tears of a weeping girl? Each will rage through us like a firestorm. What burns brightest in us? What would this say about us if we knew?
Its not for us to say, I think. Just as the man who stands accused of a crime can't stand on his own befalf, we are to close to this thing called life. Our view is small and our blindfolds strongly knoted.
I hope the stars are watching, I hope that someone is high enough in the brittle glass night to see and be glad.
Can you even imagne what that would look like? We shine so brightly on our shadowed disk, it would be a wonder if anyone ever found us at all. We glow like the stars around us.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The sunsets are just as perfect here in the endless burbs, and just as peaceful to those who populate them.
I dont see the milling mass as people inside thier little shells. I dont know if I actually see the people I see on the street ether. Symbols, little else. We pass, our eyes downcast. Were so compartmentilized these days. Layers and layers of shells.
They, at least, are transucent. If I could be like sunlight I could pass through them freely and touch peoples lives as easily as the breeze.
Or are these bubbles made of soap and hope? Sometimes you just cant tell how strong something is until you give it a little tap. Will it pop like a cold bubble?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
From the very start it felt like a dream. Every moment was like a waking dream. Then we woke up.
But I cant really say I blame you my dear, after all I had already known you 6 times longer then I should have. A friend, a good friend once told me: "Staying in love is fully acsepting someone as they are."
I did that. I even acsept that who you are is alone. It was a hard thing when I realized that staying in love with you, Nu, ment walking away. No, letting you just walk away. I never left you.
I guess you grew to hate me because I was something that didnt fit your veiw of the world. I never left, like you said I would. How many times did you tell me I would leave you. How many times did you exspect me to hurt you so much that you saw what wasnt there?
I remember one iconic time... I said "Thanks for running this with me." You heard, "Thanks for ruinning this for me." Maybe just that once I am glad that we were stuck in text, broken apart by cold missleading logic. You could just look again and see what I really said.
Thoese were good times, …different times. Round 2 was very different, I think I tried to start were I left off with you. You started off at square one again. No, thats not right, you never left your castle at all.
How many lies did you tell me? How many secrets did you keep? I dont think I ever knew you at all. Thats not true, it was your heart I never understood. I got to know your masks and shells very well. But your heart was always hidden from me.
I like to say I dont understand, but thats only a half truth. I understand what you are and why. I just have trouble with why you never saw whats so plainly painted on your face for all others to see.
You fear it, you had it, you need it to survive.
They killed you that day, the real, loving, open you. The girl I think you used to be. When they raped and cut you, they may as well finished the deed. They drove you so far into your self you may never come back out.
Pain. The Beast of man. Taking what it wants. Hurting in blind seperation. Hurting himself…
I just couldnt do that, I would feel every drop of pain. It would kill.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sometimes I think of the past days in the church and wonder.. Was it worth it? Of yes, and no, and I just dont know.
There was love there, but it never really felt it was genuine. It was true and real, but it was givien to me out of obligation to the master. Not on my own marrets.
I know I didnt help anything, my actions werent aligned with my whishes. Is it fair to still carry this burden of cold steal? No, not really. But sometimes I feel that maybe I went deeper then that place, not shy away from it. There wasnt enough for me in there words, there wasnt enough for me in their hearts. The biggest wounds come from within the body.
I cant go back, I know that. But sometimes I wonder...
Im I just being stuborn?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The lights arent for our eyes, shifted to the blue, glowing our souls. There are so many people here, so many peers, so much grace. We have no goal but joy, no objective but light. Thank you, for this freedom.
Bird and bear and hare and fish...
Bird and bear and hare and fish…
So much pain, why do we play in it? Its nothing to wish.
Bird and bear and hare and fish…
What is it that I wish?
It never changes, it seldom ranges.
Love. A thousand times love. Im just giving it away at this point. Any takers? Its a good deal, true and fair.
Bird and bear.
Bring me a maiden fair,
let me show her my care,
let them all just stare,
will I ever heart dare?
Hare and fish…
Grant me this wish.
Quiet loving love, quiet loving life.
You'll not find much better my dear,
let us not fall to fear...
Never one more tear…
I'm sorry for betraying you.
Sometimes I just miss the clue.
God how I loved you.
Something I found out too late, Nu never needed a friend. She just wanted a patron, one of many. But you were my best friend, and I sold you out.
Im ashamed tonight, it hurts more then Nu's passing, the things I gave up for her… Its cost was high.
Im sorry Suzanne.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
But its like Nuria once said: I missed highschool but got to see the world.
How come I keep seeing what I missed? Why does that seem like a lame deal? I guess the things that we do just arent special anymore, once done. But if thats true, why am I having so much fun now? Will it fade in time? Somehow I dont think so.
Because I never had a goal or dream of seeing the world. Its nice to travel, yes, but the best part was doing it with the people I love. I guess for some, its just fine to go places by yourself. Its the seeking of the unknown, thrill of the exploration. But for me, in this and in all things, its the sharing of a fragment that makes it special.
My goals are comeing into alignment with my actions, now atleast. Better late then never I guess. I know its right because things are changing so quickly.
"Ka like a wind"
I just hope I dont lose myself in this storm. But I dont think thats likely. It may feel that way, but there is nothing to lose
Sometimes I feel like an empty mirror, because all I see in myself is what I find in others then shine it back.
The thing is that I see now, the only thing wrong with seeing myself this way is thinking that theres something wrong with seeing myself this way. I really am more right then I let myself believe.
Monday, September 28, 2009
I should be working, but there really isn't much to do. I guess that means I'm waiting, thats something I was never very good at. I am waiting on many tiers today, but some have fallen. Its an odd thing looking back on the last few months and seeing all the shifting, dancing lights. They say change is the only thing that stays the same. What nonsense.
But somehow still I feel my moving, its like my heart is a dancing amorphous mass. I've learned so much about myself.
I've been,.. hesitant. There is past that creeps in on my mind and speaks caution. But there is present that argues valor. Twisted like fine soft serve ice cream. And while it melts, fighting each other for winters kiss, I notice myself wondering off. I'll not get involved. I don't want to be. Better to just let it melt, and be true.
I'm watching way to closely. I know. But I feel like a man lost in a cold dark cell, with just a single ray creeping in the bars to comfort me. How can I help but watch so closely? Under such radiance, the rest of the world seems to fade to a dull gray. I yield and yield to it. What ever it takes.
I'm trying not to get involved in these little plays.
I'm getting better at it.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Sometimes I can see it. Uncounted lights, floating in black space. Each light is different, some dance and caper, joyous and uncontained. Others are slow and quiet, winking to deep rhythms of the ancients. The colors are all gold, and all perfectly the same. But you can tell ones glow apart from another, like different memories of the same place. I claim to see it.
That's my first lie.
I can only imagine one or two, maybe ten or even a hundred. But they stretch on forever. Absolutely endless, and forever. Moving in 4 dimensions, there is no end to the Clouds. They reach out to each other with filaments of the finest silk thread. Even the thickest strands look like they would blow away on the breeze, but they stand so strong. So strong some can never be broken, strong as the lights themselves. Strong enough to circumvent time. Each plus is rebounded. Each flash is answered, but never the same way. Energy moves around the Clouds, building and releasing. Each Starsoul touches these pulses and changes it, makes it it's own.
That's my second lie.
Its all one thing, Light, putting on a show. Each can change the plus of life, but they are all the same thing. Memories of memories. Their cores are one. Trace each nexus back to its beginning. It is shared by all. But the Dance of Souls is oh so beautiful to watch. Slowly at first, I can see some of it. Faster and faster I comprehend the shifts, the flickers and the pulses. Soon its like a buzzing sound, but in pictures. Sometimes I even see this little me. I watch myself reach out and touch other Lights. I feel myself in the cloud.
That's my third lie.
I can feel the cloud. All of it, every last photon. But not myself in it. There is nothing to feel. I can only see myself from elsewhere in the Cloud. Then its not me feeling anymore. Seeing is one thing, watching the connections, sighing and singing. Its another thing to feel the pixel that is me. I've yet to find myself in the Cloud, but I'm not actually looking. I'm just this little bulb, abandoned and trapped among countless others.
That's my forth lie.
I am not the pixel on the giant TV screen. I am the electricity that runs through it. I am that which makes it glow every so brightly. Just as every charged electron has its moment of radiance, we get to express our move in the Dance of Souls. Just as every charged electron has to return to the power station, we all get to go home. But the power remains on. And the show must go on.
Low grey Clouds on a rainy Sunday afternoon, watched from warm in bed out a frosted window. That is maybe all there is, Clouds.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I stand at a doorway, should I enter? Truth awaits on the other side, but some truths are best left in mist and shadow. Is it better to know? Knowing brings so much, really seeing, really feeling, its so different. Have you heard about a song before? Its not the same as sitting down, putting on the headphones and really listening. Being swept away by its melodies. Are the words at all meaningful next to the power of the True form?
But maybe I don't want to hear this song. I prefer the one I have now.. its peaceful and lovely and absolutely breathtaking. I wont change the channel, just yet.. just yet.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Every time I feel sure, again nothing is as it seems. Cold metal a forgotten dream. Now warm and liquid, now glowing from within with golden rays, quietly, faintly. But even the candle rages an inferno in the dark, cold, night. Now we count the days as they pass. The hours shift around in the stack, and only a few seem worth looking forward to. Oh how time changes us. But its all just an illusion. On how many levels? That the question, I guess.
Bridges rise and fall on the wind, and the torch follows its will, not mine. Ashes and dust replace mighty noble strength. And the wheel turns and all things return. But not for oh so long...
I know not what the morrow gifts us, but I can say, that for now, I am happy. I don't want to label this, I just want it to live on forever. Trust is something I will never give up on. I still give it away at every turn. I'm following my guiding star, and she will always keep me safe.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I don’t know how to feel. Your perfect, your taken. Should I be sad that I most likely never see you again? Should I be happy that your out there? That there are a million just like you. Goodness you had me entranced tonight.
Its okay, after the passing of the past, after the dispelling of Nuria’s enchantment, thank you for showing me magic is real. Curse you for showing me such magic and then walking away. I’m sorry, that’s not fair of me. Its just my loneliness speaking, its just your eyes dancing in my minds eye.
Today I turn 23. Can you imagine? Why do I still feel like a child? Today I swear I stand unashamed. Today I am calling out my demons. Come stand and show your cards. I am a man grown, full of love and a need to be close to a woman. I want to hold you in my arms, and kiss you gently, and send you to the edge of madness, send you to the edge of sanity, go with you to the extreme of pleasure. Today I am unashamed. I stand up for my right to love and be loved. The days of fear and loathing are past.
But.. your taken.. such a shame. I can say is, that man is a lucky man. Does he even know? Its amazing how I can’t get away with anything anymore. I complain that I feel isolated, and the next night there is 12 people over. I say goodbye to Nuria, and who is this angel at my door?
I’m not mad, I think I’m happy. I’m very happy. Its just a sign, but it’s a powerful one. I can’t help these feelings, I always have them, but today I am unashamed. I am 23, and a man, and full of desire. I need to hold, I need to love, I need.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Its weird that you can still hurt me from your frozen thrown where you rule your kingdom of ice. Why would I want apart of that world? I know, ice can be beautiful in its sweet sorrow. We want to comfort it and try and warm it up, but it knows it will just melt. Better to be away, back in your ice caves. But I still feel sad. But you know the honest thing? I feel sad for you, not for the loss of you.
You finally got what you feared, expected and invented along the way. Weird huh? In the end you were dragging it out of me. So what else is there to say? I just showed you the truth and you made it about insults and pain. I showed you a crossroads and you picked this path without a second thought.
Nuria, I said a prayer to your gods for you. I asked them to take good care of you, and bring you the happiness you couldn't take from me or so many others. What else can I do with someone so lost in their own madness? I tried everything else. But I'm done selling myself short, your not worth the bother. I cant change you against your will. I cant love anyone who wont let me. I cant love someone who doesn't love themselves. I cant even respect you because you don't respect your self. You limit yourself with your assumptions.
Nuria, beloved, goodbye.
I know I wasn't the best I could have been, but I tried my hardest, start to finish. Can you say that?
Friday, July 3, 2009
I would like to get off this ride. Maybe I never want it to end. Where did I go? How do I just do things and just watch? Sometimes I feel like I'm just watching, like someone else is the real pilot. I'm just hanging on the back of the plane, watching the air move past. Feeling as it rushes over me, touching with spectral tendrils. I know this happens, it doesn't bother me, I don't even know who's talking right now. Is it the One? Or the Me? I guess it's how you define 'me'. I've lost my dictionary, I just knows what feels right. And when it doesn't. I hid so far away, all night. Who did I send out on point then? Someone has to drive this crazy train.
Truth is a bar of a Starsoul. When it is gift wrapped in a soft cloth and given as a offering, it will always be pure. We simply react to its blinding light through our little red glasses. We all wear dozens of them at a time, each a slightly different color. They dance in our eyes and we do not see them. Sometimes the brilliance is blinding, so we let our glass grow cloudy. Sometimes the aurora will dance in colors we cant see, even through the clearest glass. But rarely do we see all the spectrum of the radiance at once. Its always wise to never trust your lenses, and I have. But it will cost. Today it will, but this is just the steps along the way.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Fortune cookies. The name is a bit misleading. Anyone who has every opened up one of these communiqué carrying confections would agree, they predict little and often make even less sense. Maybe they should be called Wisdom Cookies. Thinking about them like that, they aren't so laughable anymore. Maybe that how their supposed to be thought of. I’ve seen some that made me stop and think. I’ve seen some that made me feel better. I’ve seen some that had two semi-conflicting messages inside. I’ve seen some with many words which meant little. I've seen only one that took my breath away. It just had two words. Two words that sum up the most important aspect of life, something that so many may never understand.
It looks so small there on the paper, so insignificant. Its so easy to hide, like its a little secret. But inside these two words are perhaps the simplest and most difficult, easiest and hardest thing one can ever do. So much in so few words. Imagine living without trying to justify every action, without trying to excuse every fault, without trying to hide every blemish, without judgments, without embarrassments, without fear, without shame. Imagine living with a noble heart and a strength. Imagine just living. So much in two words. So much in a cookie.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The things that come out of my mouth. My god, if only I would listen to myself. Does it make me a hypocrite to preach the things that I can't practice? To tell someone that its easy to overcome things that I myself shy away from? No, that's not fair... I sometimes am filled with fear and doubt, but rarely do I let it cripple me like it used to. Do I just show a path that I too am on? I'm moving slowly, but I'm on my way home. You may beat me there, my dear, you may. But its no race, we all move at our own pace.
No, its okay. Words are easy, actions are hard. That's why actions speak so much louder, they have such power. Words are not but wind. But think of all that the winds can do. It may push my little dream boat to Elysium. Is that the destination? I just don't know. But I can tell you this, my dear, it's our destiny. All the currents push toward the tower, but we'll never know until we hall anchor and sail. Why do we fear the reefs and whirlpools? Its written in the stars, my dear, it is. If only we would raise our eyes from the horizon, and look to the stars.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I live in a world of fantasies, how terribly normal they are. Nothing holds me back besides my own thoughts. Always battling with my thoughts, my expectations, my wishes. Who am I fighting? I'm fighting on both sides, its a civil war, with Artillery. Just tossing mindless bombs, uncaring where they land, knowing that it doesn't really matter, in the end I will hit something important and cause yet another halt. It was once said, all wars are civil. At once it is the greatest truth and worst sick joke the world has ever seen, depeneding on the meaning. All wars are civil because all wars are with oneself, projected outward, or worse still, focused inward. But no war is civil. All wars are horrible things, with no true winner, and oh so many losers... Losers without number, mothers weeping alone in dark places, fathers with dead eyes, brothers with heavy hearts, sisters with warm silent tears, and yourself. Inside we are all of these things. So imagine the destruction of a war turned inward. Imagine being on both sides of a war, imagine every blow to be one to your soul.
I'm done standing in my own way. I'm done with these wars of our fathers. There is in this world such a thing as nonlinear shift in any system. We see it all the time, where logic and structure brake down. Sometimes its at the ends and beginnings, sometimes just at random places. The moment before change, great change, feels much like any other, normal, boring, unimportant. The second before the spark ignites a twig, sets off a branch, lights a tree, burns a forest. Such a small place in time and space, such a small thing, and even before it is a small thing, even before it is, it was nothing. Just another peaceful moment in a forest, the birds singing, the flowers embracing the sun with out a care. Just another moment like so many others.
There needs to be no progression; that is a system I look for in nature. Its what I seek so that's what I find. What else would I see if I got out of the way? What else would I see if "I" got out of the way? Where does fantasy end and reality begin? Can you point to a place and say "Here, this is it."? I can't, just as I see the world I see past the world, because I am in my perception of the world. My perception is the world. So why do I perceive a world of linier expansion? Easy, because I expect to see it, so the better question is why do I perceive a world of liner expansion? Its a long and boring answer, and maybe its not worth going into. Why give it all more energy then it already steals, quick and silent and so seductive. The best question of all is why not stop?
Secrets are best when shared. This is not a contradiction.
The war is done. This moment needs no deflection, no conflict. It can be that easy.
Monday, April 27, 2009
They press in everywhere, heavy with ghosts and shadows under the bright, bright sun. I don't want to be here. Please may I leave? I could take it all up to this, but these golden leaves of silver bring a real pain, a real weight to my heart. Is it so hard for you sometimes I wonder? I don't know who's fate is worse, yours or mine. To feel to strongly or to not feel nothing. Which hell would I choose? Is it better to protect all and lose, to win every battle and lose the war? No, I guess its not...
But I can't help feeling jealous. A fools desire. But as they say, the grass is always greener...
Did you see the moon tonight? I did, it was so beautiful, a perfect crescent moon. The kind of moon that the Muslims must have been so enchanted with. I could imagine it over a cold and quite desert. A thousand pricks of light, bleeding light, falling down to a windswept earth. Silver dust, everything silver in her pale radiance. A quiet place without the heavy golden leaves. Would you like to be there with me? Its not a hard thing to do, just look up and see it as I do. Feel the sand beneath your toes, hear the mumbling Jinn on the winds, the glowing sky. Can you smell the dust? Can you feel the warm gusts air, the blazing heat of day just past? Can you count the craters on the her perfectly imperfect face above? Close your eyes and really see. I'm standing in a valley of sandstone, the horizon a striped reminder of a sunset, frozen in cold stone.
I think you can. I think I don't feel so alone anymore, because I know your close. As close as we'll ever be... ouch. It was going so well until I found that thought. Or did it find me? Why do I insist on doing this to myself?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Its been a decade. How old was I? 13. Christ. Was I really? How young I was then. How… different. I’ve changed much and more, but this place has remained the same. Always the same. Its so comforting to be here, I’ve lived here longer then anywhere else. And its going away. How sad, yet how joyful. Its truly our past, and we should not fight its passing.
That girl, who I tried to preach to from battle.net. How did I work up the balls? The things religion do to people. What have you done to me? And then she beats me at my own game, father an apologist, better equipped to shoot me down. What a night that was. I never really did talk to her again, not really. Back again, for the last time. That’s far in the past. I never want to be so sure again, I never want to be so separate. Will you forgive me?
And even drowning in the past, I push back the veil a little bit each day. Never have I seen the desert from the sky. Its so dark out here, every star a blazing torch. But its so different too, the skies have grown the same. The city moved in. Weird how it can affect the feeling of this place so. What to do tomorrow I wonder?
The old days on EverQuest, way back in the day. WhiteWind and Jonze, Grindle and Fattious Ribsticker, and my friend who’s surname I stole and didn’t even remember his first. Kasseopea, the bard. Dozer, the paladin. Smallwind and Roaringwind, Haeo and Haeoeo. The day I flipped on the guild and gquit. It didn’t last long. That’s when I started Smallwind. That was here too. I couldn’t spell for shit back then. How did they ever put up with me?
What a weird trip its been here. Life is a little bit crazy when it hits you all again. I will miss this place, the last shreds of my childhood going away.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Why didn't see it sooner? I saw, and I saw, much and more. But it wasn't all of it. I called you, my luminous one, I made you real. Nothing fills me with more hope, nothing fills me with more terror. How can this be? The things that go unnoticed in my life, what are they up to? They listen, its clear to me they listen. They are the rats in the walls of the castle, the little bird on a branch in the woods. They are also the maker and the destroyer, gods and men. How careful I must be...
I forgive you, my bright one, for it was not your fault. It was my own expression returned, and I welcome it home again. What else can I do with it? My children are always welcome at my table. Did I reach out in pain? What did I release to myself? The balance was lost, so long did I sit on one side. I choose suffering, why? Time and time again, why?
Is it so easy to play that part? Yes, so easy. Its always around, just tap into it. Is it so easy to connect with it? We all carry it along. Is it interesting? Oh yes, ever so much so. I was never bored, not once. Maybe you don't believe that, but its true. Nuria, you have been the most stimulating thing to ever happen to me. Is it a good thing? In the end, I can see the good in you. Thank you for every minute. Dreams come true. What am I dreaming? Is it worth it? Yes, a thousand times yes. Living is the justification for life, and its true for all children, the good and the bad alike. We treat them all as treasures. They are all treasures.
There was always some balance, there are the good times with the bad. There is more, there is room. Is that what feels so good about suffering? The room for love? True and simple, practiced, not professed? All things in balance, maybe I fell off. So here is the clean page before me, what do I write? What do I say to the mouse, sitting in my house? Its time to make this right, to tell your story, and to tell of hope. We always have hope, I will remind you of that. They will be listening.
Come, sit by the fire and be at peace. There is soft music and slow dancing. A great bird roasting in the kitchen. The snow falls out the window, and the sun fades. But here its comfortable, warm and safe. You can close your eyes and hear the fire crackling, you can smell the cold, and the wood, and the food. Welcome home my child.