Sunlight.

Its always so busy, yet so peaceful. Look up and there are airplanes crusing past, silent and graceful. Look down and cars flow, or dont, but their always around. Its strange, I just realized that its a bit odd to take comfort from these things like some people take comfort from a empty forest, a babbling brook. But I guess its all in what you grow up with.
The sunsets are just as perfect here in the endless burbs, and just as peaceful to those who populate them.
I dont see the milling mass as people inside thier little shells. I dont know if I actually see the people I see on the street ether. Symbols, little else. We pass, our eyes downcast. Were so compartmentilized these days. Layers and layers of shells.
They, at least, are transucent. If I could be like sunlight I could pass through them freely and touch peoples lives as easily as the breeze.
Or are these bubbles made of soap and hope? Sometimes you just cant tell how strong something is until you give it a little tap. Will it pop like a cold bubble?

Sigh of the wind

So much pain, so much. Sometimes it just can even believe it. I really am way to sensitive. I one time made myself cry by pressing someone to open up about something. She started crying harder, and I still had no idea what was wrong, by the time she told me, I was already crying to. What a perfect night that was...
Pain.
From the very start it felt like a dream. Every moment was like a waking dream. Then we woke up.
Pain.
But I cant really say I blame you my dear, after all I had already known you 6 times longer then I should have. A friend, a good friend once told me: "Staying in love is fully acsepting someone as they are."
I did that. I even acsept that who you are is alone. It was a hard thing when I realized that staying in love with you, Nu, ment walking away. No, letting you just walk away. I never left you.
I guess you grew to hate me because I was something that didnt fit your veiw of the world. I never left, like you said I would. How many times did you tell me I would leave you. How many times did you exspect me to hurt you so much that you saw what wasnt there?
I remember one iconic time... I said "Thanks for running this with me." You heard, "Thanks for ruinning this for me." Maybe just that once I am glad that we were stuck in text, broken apart by cold missleading logic. You could just look again and see what I really said.
Thoese were good times, …different times. Round 2 was very different, I think I tried to start were I left off with you. You started off at square one again. No, thats not right, you never left your castle at all.
How many lies did you tell me? How many secrets did you keep? I dont think I ever knew you at all. Thats not true, it was your heart I never understood. I got to know your masks and shells very well. But your heart was always hidden from me.
I like to say I dont understand, but thats only a half truth. I understand what you are and why. I just have trouble with why you never saw whats so plainly painted on your face for all others to see.
Pain.
You fear it, you had it, you need it to survive.
They killed you that day, the real, loving, open you. The girl I think you used to be. When they raped and cut you, they may as well finished the deed. They drove you so far into your self you may never come back out.
Pain. The Beast of man. Taking what it wants. Hurting in blind seperation. Hurting himself…

I just couldnt do that, I would feel every drop of pain. It would kill.

Don't come back

What strange ways of thinking. Its hard to imagine that I used to be on the other side of this barrier. I can feel it between us, its the vail over our eyes. Mine is lighter then some, perhaps many. Theres gives good vision, but its baithed crimson blood. Their world is red a white, but atleast their whites are clear.

Sometimes I think of the past days in the church and wonder.. Was it worth it? Of yes, and no, and I just dont know.
There was love there, but it never really felt it was genuine. It was true and real, but it was givien to me out of obligation to the master. Not on my own marrets.
I know I didnt help anything, my actions werent aligned with my whishes. Is it fair to still carry this burden of cold steal? No, not really. But sometimes I feel that maybe I went deeper then that place, not shy away from it. There wasnt enough for me in there words, there wasnt enough for me in their hearts. The biggest wounds come from within the body.

I cant go back, I know that. But sometimes I wonder...
Im I just being stuborn?

Off

Off on an adventure! I feel like we could die at any moment, its a wild ride. Its a quest, with rewards of fragments of the light. No numbers, we are beyond numbers. Im back in a place of certain uncertainty, with no RNJ, and no one who knows what means.

The lights arent for our eyes, shifted to the blue, glowing our souls. There are so many people here, so many peers, so much grace. We have no goal but joy, no objective but light. Thank you, for this freedom.

Bird and bear and hare and fish...

Bird and bear and hare and fish…

So much pain, why do we play in it? Its nothing to wish.

Bird and bear and hare and fish…
What is it that I wish?

It never changes, it seldom ranges.
Love. A thousand times love. Im just giving it away at this point. Any takers? Its a good deal, true and fair.
Bird and bear.
Bring me a maiden fair,
let me show her my care,
let them all just stare,
will I ever heart dare?

Hare and fish…
Grant me this wish.

Quiet loving love, quiet loving life.
You'll not find much better my dear,
let us not fall to fear...
Never one more tear…

I'm sorry for betraying you.
Sometimes I just miss the clue.
God how I loved you.

Something I found out too late, Nu never needed a friend. She just wanted a patron, one of many. But you were my best friend, and I sold you out.

Im ashamed tonight, it hurts more then Nu's passing, the things I gave up for her… Its cost was high.
Im sorry Suzanne.

Testing the Waters

Its a weird thing being this late to the party, but it sure is nice being here. I guess I mean that about a lot of things, sometimes I do feel like I'm a little late to life in general.
But its like Nuria once said: I missed highschool but got to see the world.
How come I keep seeing what I missed? Why does that seem like a lame deal? I guess the things that we do just arent special anymore, once done. But if thats true, why am I having so much fun now? Will it fade in time? Somehow I dont think so.
Because I never had a goal or dream of seeing the world. Its nice to travel, yes, but the best part was doing it with the people I love. I guess for some, its just fine to go places by yourself. Its the seeking of the unknown, thrill of the exploration. But for me, in this and in all things, its the sharing of a fragment that makes it special.
My goals are comeing into alignment with my actions, now atleast. Better late then never I guess. I know its right because things are changing so quickly.

"Ka like a wind"

I just hope I dont lose myself in this storm. But I dont think thats likely. It may feel that way, but there is nothing to lose
Sometimes I feel like an empty mirror, because all I see in myself is what I find in others then shine it back.

The thing is that I see now, the only thing wrong with seeing myself this way is thinking that theres something wrong with seeing myself this way. I really am more right then I let myself believe.

Twisted and Melting

I should be working, but there really isn't much to do. I guess that means I'm waiting, thats something I was never very good at. I am waiting on many tiers today, but some have fallen. Its an odd thing looking back on the last few months and seeing all the shifting, dancing lights. They say change is the only thing that stays the same. What nonsense.

But somehow still I feel my moving, its like my heart is a dancing amorphous mass. I've learned so much about myself.

I've been,.. hesitant. There is past that creeps in on my mind and speaks caution. But there is present that argues valor. Twisted like fine soft serve ice cream. And while it melts, fighting each other for winters kiss, I notice myself wondering off. I'll not get involved. I don't want to be. Better to just let it melt, and be true.

I'm watching way to closely. I know. But I feel like a man lost in a cold dark cell, with just a single ray creeping in the bars to comfort me. How can I help but watch so closely? Under such radiance, the rest of the world seems to fade to a dull gray. I yield and yield to it. What ever it takes.

I'm trying not to get involved in these little plays.

I'm getting better at it.

Clouds

Sometimes I can see it. Uncounted lights, floating in black space. Each light is different, some dance and caper, joyous and uncontained. Others are slow and quiet, winking to deep rhythms of the ancients. The colors are all gold, and all perfectly the same. But you can tell ones glow apart from another, like different memories of the same place. I claim to see it.

That's my first lie.

I can only imagine one or two, maybe ten or even a hundred. But they stretch on forever. Absolutely endless, and forever. Moving in 4 dimensions, there is no end to the Clouds. They reach out to each other with filaments of the finest silk thread. Even the thickest strands look like they would blow away on the breeze, but they stand so strong. So strong some can never be broken, strong as the lights themselves. Strong enough to circumvent time. Each plus is rebounded. Each flash is answered, but never the same way. Energy moves around the Clouds, building and releasing. Each Starsoul touches these pulses and changes it, makes it it's own.

That's my second lie.

Its all one thing, Light, putting on a show. Each can change the plus of life, but they are all the same thing. Memories of memories. Their cores are one. Trace each nexus back to its beginning. It is shared by all. But the Dance of Souls is oh so beautiful to watch. Slowly at first, I can see some of it. Faster and faster I comprehend the shifts, the flickers and the pulses. Soon its like a buzzing sound, but in pictures. Sometimes I even see this little me. I watch myself reach out and touch other Lights. I feel myself in the cloud.

That's my third lie.

I can feel the cloud. All of it, every last photon. But not myself in it. There is nothing to feel. I can only see myself from elsewhere in the Cloud. Then its not me feeling anymore. Seeing is one thing, watching the connections, sighing and singing. Its another thing to feel the pixel that is me. I've yet to find myself in the Cloud, but I'm not actually looking. I'm just this little bulb, abandoned and trapped among countless others.

That's my forth lie.

I am not the pixel on the giant TV screen. I am the electricity that runs through it. I am that which makes it glow every so brightly. Just as every charged electron has its moment of radiance, we get to express our move in the Dance of Souls. Just as every charged electron has to return to the power station, we all get to go home. But the power remains on. And the show must go on.

Low grey Clouds on a rainy Sunday afternoon, watched from warm in bed out a frosted window. That is maybe all there is, Clouds.